You would think

You would think that you would experience different things in different organizations. You start to think that you can change your perspective of people. You wish to change your own life by tryin to help others, but in reality you get lost in the translation.
I would have thought that showcase would help me bond with people, but honestly I think it is just me now. I just think it is myself that feels this way. Because honestly this is what I felt in circle k. Don’t think that joining APO would change my perspective anymore. I am so frustrated because it is nice knowing a lot of people but there are so many pitfalls to knowing many pitfall. Honestly right now I am very super close to DPing. I am so stressed for planning my IC event. I feel so helpless. I feel like I am doing everything by myself and it sucks. I literally was so pissed off today and ugh. I am just so angry. I am tired of helping people. Fuck helping everyone else, maybe I should learn how to help myself before I help others because honestly this is what happens. I just get so depressed because of all this stupid shit. I really could care less of what people are thinking of me anymore. Because I think I need to reevaluate my own health risks and needs and what I need for myself. I really don’t think joinin another organization will help me. Oh welll.
People keep saying that I should stay in this organization because I could help it. That there needs to be more people like me, but honestly why me? Why is it that I am selfless and that people aren’t. How can I help others when I put myself at an emotional risk? Like honestly.
I think it is time for me to see the counselor again because this shit is ridiculous.
Right now I think what is keeping me in APO is because PVA is tomorrow. That is all.

I am so confused what you want…

Honestly, I am so confused what you want. I am confused because I used to like you and tried to talk to you as much as I could. You made no effort to even try to get to know me. You didn’t try to even talk to me. You depended on me to continuously text you. You had me going through extremes of confusion of what I wanted from you. Then when I do decide to stop talking to you, you decide to try and talk to me again. Honestly, you say that you “miss” me, but is that true? Do you miss the attention you used to get from me? Is it because you are not getting any attention from anyone else and you yearn all the attention and things I used to give to you? 
Honestly I am over you. Please don’t come telling me that you miss me, because honestly it doesn’t show. Don’t try to sway this to making me the bad person. I am sorry I got busy in Alpha Phi Omega, and chose to pledge this quarter. Honestly, I am sorry that I haven’t done many things in Circle K, but maybe you should understand and make that effort. I am so tired of trying to get to know guy’s. If you like me now, tell me. If you don’t, don’t tell me that you miss me out of the blue.

UGH.

Having an emotional crisis late at night

Thoughts and Feelings

SIGH. SIGH. SIGH. SIGH. 
So many things on my mind and I just really can’t think. I am so cluttered and so worried about various things. I see all my pledge brothers worrying and stressing about life and tbh, I just want to tell them, we are all in this together. We are here to support each other, lean on with each other. I am here pledging by myself, didn’t really know anyone who is pledging and what not, and I am still doing it by myself. I am trying to focus in school, but let’s be real. I am extremely stressed out. I am scared shitless for my grades and academically how I am doing right now. I am trying to put my best effort into meeting my pbros, but maybe it’s hard for me to meet them, when all of them are pledging with their friends. I just feel so distant :’(

Let’s also be real. I FREAKIN MISS Circle K. I miss seeing people. I miss hearing from people. It’s as if I am no one now…